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[Increase in gay livestock] Global/Agriculture
[13/04/06]

Intensive modern farming coupled with increased use of agrichemicals to affect animal growth has resulted in a global increase of 'gay' livestock. Agricultural groups worldwide are alarmed at this new and disturbing trend.

Farmers from as far afield as Yugoslavia, France and the western United States are calling for an immediate increase in the global research dedicated to homosexual animals. Many farmers feel that events are spiralling out of control, with levels of gay livestock increasing yearly.

French farmer Manoux Beauchamp echoes the feelings of farmers in both Europe and America,

"In France, we have a relaxed and informal attitude to gayness, but that is human gayness we speak of. When farm animals are engaging in same sex relationships, we have to question where our whole society is going. If this trend is not at least kept in check, I predict a day soon when we will see openly gay babies."

Manouxs' fears are not uncommon, but reserarchers are playing down the problem, though with numbers of homosexual livestock on the increase, it seems something will have to be done in the very near future.

Suzanna Weston [Global Farming].

The findings have shocked and alarmed Ed Crisp of the USA Agrisearch Institute:

“What worries researchers here at the Institute most is the noticeable rise in 'bovine bitching'. The other worrying fact is the problem is not solely with cattle, these same-sex animal trends are being replicated in almost all livestock species. We predict that within the next decade or so, up to 30% of all American and European livestock could be confirmed as totally gay."

"We are beginning to find sheep and pigs will no longer tolerate dirty living conditions, and some cutting edge research being conducted at our sister institute in Iowa seems to suggest certain breeds of gay livestock are beginning to control and alter their own behaviour patterns in an effort to change the colour schemes of the barns and pens in which they live. The cost of interior decoration alone could be crippling for many farmers."

"On a more positive note, our research also shows music having a measurable effect on milk yields and the fat to meat ratio of gay livestock breeds. When certain genres of dance music [such as diva-house, downtempo or disco flashback] are played in milking pens, milk yields jump by an average of 14-17%, and pigs from the Duroc, Hampshire, and Yorkshire breeds give a noticeably better fat to meat ratio when listening to Liberace or Judy Garland.

Crisp feels that the 'gaystock' problem [a glib media label which Crisp deeply resents] is one that needs our attention, but he maintains early action and a cohesive strategy will not only contain the problem, but actually make livestock homosexuality a positive agricultural development. He explains:

"We feel there is a problem confronting the industry, but the study also shows we can use the growing gay livestock numbers to increase agricultural yield across the board. We are calling this the 'pink-plus' theory. We need not fear this phenomenon, and researchers here at the institute feel animal homosexuality may bring about much needed changes in farming methods. In years to come, gay livestock may well be as acceptable within society as lesbian doctors, or queer wrestlers.”


[Artist sells his own hand] USA/Arts [10/09/06]

A work of art which includes the severed hand of conceptual artist Gustav Schaeffer has sold at a New York auction for $856,000. Schaeffer had the hand surgically removed at a private clinic in Manhattan one year ago. The hand was then coated in a resin like material and has become a part of his recent work 'Mint Expulsion'.

German born Schaeffer's ampu-art has split the American creative community into two camps, with some critics seeing the work as a natural fusion of the avisual and conceptual movements. Others predict a disturbing rise in the lucrative ampu-art market, which may see dozens of artists unable to hold wine bottles, books or spraycans for lack of limbs.

Schaeffer is reticent to offer explanations for the motives behind his art. Despite this secrecy, and his almost total disregard for the art world glitterati, he is regarded as a reclusive genius by many international critics.

However reclusive he may be, he did offer some insight into his celebrated work in a recent statement to the American Academy of Conceptual Art [AACA]:

"Until now I have utilised simple stencils of cats and clay pipes to suggest pain and carnality" he explained, "Mint Expulsion denotes my move toward a shoreline of placid calm, and an escape from commercial bondage. The use of the hand is in itself a challenge; the moronic and passive viewer can physically shake the hand of the creator, thus becoming active within the work as a continuum."

Lucas Fallon, secretary of the AACA, has championed Schaeffers work on the international stage for the last decade. He offered his own thoughts regarding Schaeffers radical and much maligned approach to his art:

"Mint Expulsion speaks of a totally denatured loss. It is one of the finest allegories of human suffering I have ever witnessed. Schaeffers work is, in many ways, as quiet as an interesting idiot talking of caravans. Yet it also speaks to us of freedom and drink fuelled holidays, where buttocks are shown to strangers with excited abandon"

Schaeffers internationally acclaimed works include the American piece 'Road of Cocks', which consisted of 31,130 chickpeas laid out in a continuous line on a stretch of the Lincoln Highway, the European work 'Happy Reichstag' which saw him scale the German Parliament building and place four lemon tarts on the roof, and the celebrated Italian work 'The Love Child of Popeye' which saw him take a crowd of 7000 people to dinner in Rome.

According to sources close to Schaeffer, one of the artists ears will soon be surgically removed to become part of a work in progress, an installation recently commissioned by dotcom millionaire and avid collector of fine art Roddy Furlong. After losing a body part for the sake of his art, where now for this wayward maverick of the global easel? Only God can tell?

Roger Collins [ARTSusa].

[Extreme Dancers perish]
Global/Arts
[12/11/06]

Extreme Dancers JayJay and Debbie Gardiner have plunged to their deaths from the 970ft tall Conners Tower in Atlantic City. The tragic accident occured as they attempted an unroped waltz around the top of the skyscraper.

The rapid growth in extreme dancing is worrying many authorities in the USA. In the last year, at least nine couples have died as a result of this recent trend in thrill seeking. Several others may have perished at sea.

Jay Jay Gardiner was most famous for his extreme 'Travolta Explosion' dancing in which he would perform dances from Saturday Night Fever whilst semtex and incendiary devices were exploded around him.

The Extreme Dancers Association was saddened to hear of the Gardiner tradgedy:

"They will always be thought of as the finest of their kind, and the Bop inside the live Giddings nuclear reactor [Texas] will be remembered as the zenith of extreme dancing thus far. They will be missed."

Coco Langbourne [DanceAmerica]

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